Returning Natural & Self Love

Excerpt from my journal 1 year natural and struggling to love my natural appearance:
I don’t even know where to begin – as usual. Do I just hate myself? It shouldn’t be this hard to just love and accept myself for who I am. I keep coming up with excuses for why I feel this way. Its not even really excuses, the reasons why are clear and pretty accurate… The solutions I’ve come up with seem to work on the surface, but deep down something isn’t allowing the love to reach the core. It’s so f***’d up knowing everything I know and feel about life, yet the most significant piece of the puzzle hasn’t been found.

How must the Most High feel with all of us running arounddistroying ourselves and our spirits just to feel “beautiful”? I hate that word now! The word shouldn’t even exist. Maybe I need to remove it from my vocabulary; afterall words are powerful. S***, that’s exactly what the entire opposing force wants to distract us from. Am I creating this reality simply by speaking their terms of oppression? I can’t be mad at all of the things that created this “beautiful” reality because that’s life, that’s growth. Just like I can’t be mad at my mother for not supporting me where I feel like I need it. She is playing her perfect role, so I have the choice to evolve past her or allow her to hold me back. That isn’t an option.
PERFECTION. F*** beauty! They have us thinking we’re not perfect, perfection is an illusion, its impossible – but it is actually who, what, where, when, why, and how we are. We are all perfect. If I dumb myself down to be beautiful I will never be the perfect creation I was created to be. We are perfect when we allow ourselves to serve our purpose. BE YOU, and at the very least, create ideas.
It took a lot to face this honest reflection and consciously begin to reprogram my thoughts and beliefs about beauty and identity. The outcome of this freedom was this poem titled TO MY SISTAS:

Other
African-American
Colored
Yellow
Mixed
Black
African
What are you girl?
A life spent questioning,
Coloring
Labeling
Watching
Waiting – for answers.
No more
Seeking
Searching
Accepting
Confusion
No colors inside
Wash the stains from your mind
LET IT SHINE
You are light
Not complexion
You are bright
You can’t see it
You must FEEL it,
BE it
Claim it!
Believe it!
It is your legacy.
You allow it to be stolen
Every time you sink to…
Colored girl
Mixed chick
Black b****
And you believe it.
Yeah sure words don’t mean s***
Unless you believe it.
Release yourself.
It’s not them,
You imprison yourself.
Stop defining!
Stop accepting!
Stop neglecting!
Stop believing!
OWN THE TRUTH:
“Nuk Pu Nuk Khu Ami Khu MNTRauu”
I am that I am;
A shining being dwelling in light
And I come from the limbs
Of the Most High.
ETERNAL SUNSHINE
Healing begins in the mind.

-PRISCILLA AMADO-